Confused and left alone?!

Wow, cant believe it. Now i m here for nine month and just 4 weeks of this precious times is left. Time - exactly what i dont have enough of. It s running. No way to stop it. The last two month i wasted time constantly by begging for more. Begging for time to think, about me, my life here, my future, my past, may actions, my mistakes- and the whole. No time to think about anything else than myself because that alone causes my mind do explode.
So many things i saw here. stuff i learned - but also stuff i didnt get to do: going traveling more often, enjoying time without any TV or computer. Relaxing, reading, WRITING! so many emails i wanted to send, letters i wanted to write, things i wanted to explain to the world. But no time for that.
And now, at the end, there s the question: what did i actually do this year? what didnt i do? what did i achieve, what mess up? Who became my friend -changed from being a stranger to a well known and understanding person, and who became a stranger after being a friend for a long time.
What should i ve done better? what different? what not at all? Wasn't this year supposed to be a relaxing year to think about all that stuff i just listed? to find out about my future or at least make up my mind about it?
But what did it actually turn out to be? A year full of stress, fears, restrictions, fighting, work, gaining weight, losing control...
having a lot of fun, getting up after being thrown down...
To sum it up: A year which seemed to be starting of fine, by letting everything evolve around me, no people that mattered to me, no duties - nothing.
And then life started, just at a different place on earth, with all its duties, fears, struggles and people - that started mattering.
From easy to completly complicated.
Wow... so never bother thinking about the existence of an über long vacation cause holiday seems to be restricted to 4 weeks - after that life starts- and life certainly isnt the least like holidays.

3.6.08 07:53

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